I CAN MOONWALK!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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