I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
