After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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