Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
