You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
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I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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