I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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