I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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