i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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