I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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