you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Bring me that man meat
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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