Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
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I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Pooping to opera.
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