someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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