your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
