I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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