If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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