Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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