i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
