i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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