Will you blow on my dice?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
