Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
