if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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