So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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