At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
