dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
