I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
