Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
