CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
