I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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