I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
