I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
