I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
