So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I am mentally ready for anal.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
