I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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