wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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