the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
