True but thats because hes a fetus.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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