K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
