Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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