when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
