I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
