it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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