I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
