I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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