god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wanna go halves on a baby?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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