dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
