He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
