You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
