I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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