Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
