Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.