I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
