Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
