conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
