sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
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A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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