My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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