girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
