My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
