Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
