what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
