I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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